Samstag, 29. November 2014

Yes Virginia there is a Krampus

This email arrived last week and I don’t make it a habit to answer such mails in a public forum. I am making an exception this time and have decided that it would be best to share this with every one out there. I’m posting this against the advice from several good friends. And the powers that be will most definitely frown upon this and accuse me panic mongering. It might even cost me my blog and potential future as a hack writer, but I’ve come to the simple conclusion that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
So forgive me for breaking with format and tradition to bring oyu this urgent message.

Dear Uncle Doug,
My name is Virginia Weese and I’m in the 4th grade at Johnny Clem Elementary School in Newark Ohio and I have a question that my Mommy and Daddy won’t answer. At the beginning of December our teacher Mrs. Huddy was telling us about Christmas in other countries. She told us about the bad Krampus man who takes away naughty children and eats them. This scared us all a lot, but since we aren’t babies anymore none of us really believed her. It was just a cool story.
Anyways, my friend Billy Pierce said that he had heard from the 6th graders that it was a true cross my heart hope to die story! And so Billy says to me that he’s awful scared that he will get taken away by the Krampus man. Billy said that his mommy and daddy were always after him to be gooder and not so bad. And that he heard his mommy and daddy talking won night when they thought that he was asleep that they wanted to send him to the Campus. He thought that the Campus was what the growed ups called the reformatory up in Mansfield where the bad children go. He says that now he’s all scared because he thinks that maybe they reely said Krampus and not campus. I saw him later on and that e said that the wikipeedia told him that the Krampus man comes on 5 December. I told him not to be a baby and believe stupid stories. My daddy says the Wikipedia is bullshit. I’m sorry for the bad word, but that is what my daddy says a lot. Anyways Billy never came to school on the day after the Krampus is supposed to take the bad kids.  I aksed billyies parents where billy was and they looked at me funny and said that he had gone to live with his grandma down in Carolina. I know that this is a fib. Billy told me his gramma is in Pataskala in a old folks home. I went home and told my mommy and daddy and they told me not to believe stupid stories and that if Billy’s parents said that he was at his grams then that’s where his is. Daddy said that if I keep pestering Billy’s family I’ll get a spanking. I looked in the internet and saw that your magazine had told about the Krampus man. So now I’m writing to you as my last resort. Can you help me??? Is there a Krampus???

Your friend

Dear Virginia,
I am deeply moved and honoured that you got in touch with me. I hope that I can be of some assistance and that I might be able to clear up a few things. You seem like a bright kid, so I won’t talk down to you and sugar coat the situation. I have some good news and I have some bad news.

The good news:
Yes Virginia, there is a Krampus.

The bad news:
It’s so much worse than your ten-year-old mind could ever have imagined!

It’s like this honey, big people lie. They lie to children all the time. Sometimes they lie to protect you or to keep you in line and some times they lie to keep you vulnerable. Michael Jackson and the Octo-Mom are good examples of lies used to keep you in line and the Krampus is the other kind of lie.
For you see dear, the Krampus is as old as the world is and just as real. When people talk about the Krampus, they are actually talking about a European bogeyman from some mountains that they call the Alps. (I hope that you are taking notes so that you can Google all of this later.) This bogeyman helps Santa Claus into scaring children into behaving. They tell them that, if they are bad, the Krampus will get them on the night before Saint Nicholas day and take them to hell and eat them or drown them on the spot. This is a very old story from a people called the Norse. You can think of them as the Vikings. They believed that the Krampus was the son of the lady who ran their Hell. Here name was Hel. Anyways, when the Christians came and got rid of the old religions they added some of the old religions' beliefs into Christian traditions to make the people happier about being Christians.  So the Krampus, being active during the winter, ended up with a Christmas connection that went on for hundreds of years.
We now have to move up into the 1920s. A group of explorers and archaeologists were way out in the Gobi Desert looking for old cities from a long time ago. Oh, this is in China. And they actually did find one city that had been buried in the sand for many thousands of years. Nobody knows who these people were or even if they were people. One of the things that they found while digging up the old city was an old book written on some kind of funny metal that had never rusted. They call this book the “Ghooric Manuscript”. After many years of hard work some very smart people were able to translate it.
It tells the story of how the world was before people came into it. And the book says that a long long time ago the world was full of monsters who were the bosses. Finally these monsters were chased away by some even stronger monsters. Some of these weaker monsters got killed; some got locked up at the bottom of the sea or sent into other dimensions (These are kind of like worlds between the worlds); some went into hiding. The book goes on to tell that one of the monsters who went into hiding was the Krampus. Except that Krampus is not its real name. People in old times gave it a new name because they believed that if you say its real name out loud you will get its attention and it might come after you. And believe me honey, that’s the last thing that you want.
The Krampus’ real name is “Shub-Niggurath”. They also call it the “Goat of a Thousand Young”. A recent translation of the book shows that the earlier scientists made a mistake. The correct translation is the "Goat with Thousands of Young”. This is a reference to the countless children who have been taken away over thousands of years. Even the cavemen had Krampus trouble. This is also why they like to portray the Krampus as a great big, hairy, devilish goat man. The truth is though, that the Krumpus is so horrible that they were too scared to make any pictures that showed how truly awful the Krampus actually is. We only have one picture of the Krampus that actually shows how  horrible a monster it is. A little boy named Matt Fox survived a Krampus attack and drew a picture of it for a magazine once he grew up and became an artist. I don’t want to scare you, but here is what the Krampus really looks like.

I hope that this isn’t scaring you too much, because it’s only going to get worse. So fasten your seat belt, it’s going to be a bumpy ride from now on.

In olden times the people thought that the Krampus/Shub-Niggurath was a kind of god. Not GOD, but a god of sorts. And back then people used to give presents to the gods. And traditionally these presents had to be things that held great value for the people that they didn’t want to part with. These were things like food that they didn’t have enough of, gold that they didn’t have much of, or children that they had plenty of. You call these kinds of gifts “sacrifices”. So sadly a lot of times the people would “sacrifice” their children to the Krampus. Historical records show that the Krampus was most active during the days which had the longest nights. They called this the Yuletide. This is also Christmas time. That is why the old church decided to pair up the Krampus with Santa Claus. They also knew that for some reason, maybe magical, the Krampus could only roam around the mountains we call the Alps and only for a few nights in December when the nights are longest.
Now they think that World War I had something to do with it, but afterwards, the power confining the Krampus to the Alps had either been weakened or destroyed. They assume this because directly after WWI the reports of Krampus attacks began to be experienced farther and farther away from the Alps. It was in the early 1920s in the States when little boy named Matt Fox survived and reported the Krampus attack he experienced.

Now I have to tell you the worst part dear Virginia, so please be brave. It’s been suspected for a long time now that many of these Krampus attacks are neither coincidences nor punishments dealt out to naughty children, but actually sacrifices arranged by mommies and daddies who want to get rid of their children. That’s correct honey, some mommies and daddies are setting up their own children to be taken by the Krampus!

It seems that the mommies and daddies who want to get rid of their own children use chalk to scrawl a special symbol above their front door on Krampus-night to let the Krampus know that there’s a sacrifice waiting inside and that it is welcome to come in and receive it. For you see, the Krampus can not enter a house that is protected by a special symbol called the “Elder sign”. Nor can it enter a domicile where it has not been invited to enter. Investigations have shown that the symbol used most often by rotten parents looks like this.

 But please do not despair Virginia! For all is not lost. Even a small one like you can protect themselves and their friends. Uncle Doug is going to tell you what to do!

    First you‘ll have to spend the next eleven months practicing on sneaking down stairs at night after your parents go to bed. You’ll need this skill during the days that fall before and after the fifth of December. These are the days when the Krampus is underway collecting sacrifices. If you see that your parents have actually been mean enough to leave the symbol above the door then wash it away immediately. This isn’t a guarantee that the Krampus will pass your house by. It will reduce the chances though. For you see, just placing the sign above your front door will have already drawn the Krampus’ attention. It’s not a guarantee, but at least it will be a start.
Now all’s fair in love and war, or as my grandpa used to say “payback is a bitch”- So if you want to get even with your mommy and daddy, all you have to do is to redraw the symbol upside down and backwards. This will turn the Krampus against those who originally drew the sign. Of course it would be smart to hide in the attic for the rest of the night just to be on the safe side.

Now so far I’ve shown you the easiest way to “hopefully” survive the night. I have to be honest though, it seems that the Krampus also takes un-offered sacrifices when the mood strikes it. So here are a few tips to increase the odds of you making it through the night in one piece.

1: The Krampus is big and squishy. It also has a lot of legs and tentacles (which have sucking mouths on their tips.) and has a hard time squeezing into tight spaces. Think of it as a big trans-dimensional Octo-Goat.  So find a closet or crawl space to hide in.

2: Being squishy, the Krampus isn’t very strong. So barricade your bed room door and keep an axe by your side at all times. Or if you can find one, a shoulder fired RPG or acetylene torch is even better. You can’t kill it, but at least you will go down fighting like the brave little trooper that I know you are.

3: STAY AWAKE! So hoard up on a few cases of Red Bull or keep a Mr. Coffee machine hidden under your bed. A second of napping could result an eternity of indescribable suffering and agony!

4:  The Krampus has a sort of dog who accompanies it at times. This dog’s name is “Tindalos” and Tindalos can do a very special trick. Tindalos can come through angles and bring the Krampus with him. Now an angle is where two straight lines come together. So mix yourself up a big batch of plaster and fill in all of the corners in you room where the walls come together with each other and where they meet the floor or ceiling. This will at least force the Krampus, if it even comes, to use the front door. You don’t want to be surprised from above, behind, below or between. Believe it or not, Tindalos can attack from in-between

5:  Have an escape route. If all else fails, you should have a rope ladder ready or a big aluminium one leaning up against the house directly under your bed room window. There is no shame in running away. So forget any crap about cowards dying thousands of deaths. You only die once and it’s usually the heroes who fall first!

6: Have surrogate sacrifices ready. If you haven’t already turned the tables on your parents for selling you out then make sure that other victims are close at hand. Once you’ve fled via step #5, you should run like hell to a neighboring house and break in as quickly as you can. Start screaming blood murder once you have gained entry. You wanted to wake up the people in the house. The screaming will not only accomplish this, but should also place them in a confused and frightened state of mind.  Now head out the back door as quickly as possible and run as fast and as far as your chubby little legs will carry once you are sure that they are awake and coming down to investigate the ruckus.

That pretty much covers it. I hope that I have been of some assistance and that I have given you the means to survive the holiday season next year.

So yes Virginia, as sure as there is a Santa Claus and Cthulhu, there is a Krampus.

Good Luck

Douglas Draa aka "Uncle Doug"
Hack Horror Writer

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